Calling me derogatory names, insulting my sex, gender, gender presentation, choice of clothing, or my self identity is violence.
Listening to Delain’s “We Are The Others” this morning, that thought popped into my head. Normally I would just tweet it, but as I just woke up from a 15 hour nap, I felt like sitting down and writing out my thoughts in more detail. While the song was written and inspired by this event http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Murder_of_Sophie_Lancaster the attack and murder of a teenage goth couple, the message can be applied forward to any group who falls victim to violence from those who belong and identify with dominant mainstream groups and communities. You can watch the video here: http://youtu.be/5lZGhh41W9k
A common complaint or counter argument I’ve heard from Trans-Exclusionary Radical Feminists, from Men’s Rights Activists, and from privileged people who have never had to endure taunts, stares, jeers, and whispers is that none of those things are violence. I used to think how lucky those people are, to be born into a privileged group that has never had to deal with such things.
There are of course different degrees of privilege, and as I am white, perceived as male, and have some college education, I possess an extraordinary amount of privilege. As I began to slowly come out to my friends and family that I was trans, It didn’t really occur to me to be too worried about the reaction of other people, after all, I had spent the last 36 years of my life with only a passing familiarity with the notion of what privilege even was, let alone knowing how much I possessed, or rather how little many people around me had.
The very first time I left my house dressed, it was with a little trepidation, I expected a few odd looks, but mostly was of the opinion the majority of people would just ignore me, being too busy with their lives to worry about me. Besides, “sticks and stones” etc. etc. The 3rd mistake I made (leaving the house alone was my first) was in forgetting my headphones whilst riding public transit and walking around in areas full of lots of people.
It seems that when people get together in large groups, they tend to do and say things they wouldn’t normally say when they are one on one with you, where they would be forced to take responsibility for their actions. The whispers around me, the laughter that followed so many as I passed, the stares of morbid curiosity, and even the clutching of children by indignant parents upset that I might somehow alter their poor child by my existence.
Ahhh memories.
I haven’t left the house, presenting as anything other than male, since that day. First and last time. I’ve painted my nails, I underdress, I do a podcast, I don’t hide my trans status in conversation, but I am terrified of repeating that initial experience. I realize that fear is to some extent on me, however, that fear is also evidence of the initial statement of this post. Those that claim their words are not violence, those that claim their transphobic comedy is just comedy, those that claim the “sticks and stones” argument are ignorant of how violent those words are.
When your speech or actions cause someone to be afraid of being themselves, that is violence. When your speech or actions cause someone to feel they are not worthy of life that is violence. When your speech or actions cause someone to believe they will lose their family and loved ones, that is violence. When your speech and actions have the purpose of belittling, terrorizing, and humiliating, it is violence.
Not all violence is perpetrated with your fists. In fact one of the most destructive things you can do to another human being is to force them to spend their entire life with the notion that their entire life is worthless. We can almost certainly agree the parent who raises their child in this manner is guilty of child abuse. So then why is this same abusive behavior towards the trans community, or any other group of marginalized people, tolerated?
I have come to expect this sort of violence from TERFs and MRAs, after all, their ignorance and prejudice is part of how they define themselves. We have as a society though only begun to scratch the surface of the problem of this brand of violence. There are still gray areas of being allowed to voice your opinion, and the violence of that opinion, we ware still searching for a balance. What shouldn’t be a debate any longer however, is whether or not your derogatory words and actions indeed constitute violence. They do. Just because you don’t see blood, does not mean you have not committed a grievous injury, and when that grievous injury was inflicted out of spite, malice, anger, and indifference towards my humanity, how can you honestly tell me you weren’t being violent?
To those who would laugh at me in a skirt, who would stare at me when I put false breasts in my bra, who clutch their child when I walk by in heels, stop for a moment and consider if you want to remain a violent person. You and I are different, but I deserve life, I deserve peace, I deserve happiness, I deserve to live without your violence in my life.
-Maddy